


Silent Love

by BigBadLex



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Wiishu - Fandom, jacksepticeye
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Unrequited Love, i guess??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 06:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15407112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBadLex/pseuds/BigBadLex
Summary: this is real sad beware





	Silent Love

**Author's Note:**

> this is real sad beware

Ethan sucked his top teeth with his tongue, drumming on the passenger seat as his parents drove around, desperately trying to maneuver their way through their new city in search for a school. Watching the shiny cars pass by his dad’s run down and dirty car, Ethan felt a pit in his stomach as the sounds of faint music disappeared with his thoughts. He gradually stopped his tapping, stuffing his hands into his sweatshirt pockets as he looked down at his lap, his mind going blank. Time started to move faster as his body was put onto autopilot, twirling his iphone in his pocket, staring emotionlessly towards the ceiling. Slowly blinking, Ethan looked up to the noise of his parents speaking, quickly being distracted by the reflective windows showing his darkened face through the tinted windows. Placing his warm palm against the cool glass, he gulped down the lump in his throat, closing his eyes. Ethan inhaled through his nose, focusing on the nipping cold on his skin, noting the feeling of his heartbeat in his chest. Sighing, he opened his eyes once more, gazing at a light beige school with large windows staring right back at him. Quietly, Ethan’s parents parked in the parking lot, unbuckling their seat belts in a slight haste. Ethan continued to stare out the window, disconnected from his body as he watched with parents straighten their clothes, locking their eyes with his.

“Ethan, come on! We’re already late!,” Ethan’s dad yelled, opening his door.

Moving out of his seat with furrowed brows, Ethan grabbed all his belongings that were scattered around the backseat. Impatiently, his parents waited for him, their eyes burrowing holes with sharp spikes sticking out from the sides in the back of his head, causing his skin to crawl from underneath. Biting down on his inner cheeks, he slung his bag across his shoulder, a frown plastered on his face. Taking in a deep breath, he shifted his weight from his left foot to his right, refusing to look either of his parents in the eyes as he followed their feet inside the school. His breathing and heartbeat picked up as he heard the tour lady’s voice speak to him, eventing him to flick his eyes up and throw on a shaky smile, his hand stuck out for a handshake. Swallowing as they shook hands, Ethan glanced over at his parents, holding his breath. Their eyes were steady and unmoving, bringing a queasiness to Ethan’s stomach as he averted his eyes, glaring down at the ground. He promptly let go of the lady’s hand, standing still as he waited for his parents to walk in front of him, jumping when his dad’s firm hand grabbed onto his shoulder and tightly squeezed as he shook his body. His dad smiled down at him, letting go of him to follow Ethan’s mother and the tour lady. Feeling his breathing quicken, Ethan stuffed his hands in his pocket, balling up the fabric as he clenched his teeth.

The lady brought them into individual classrooms, introducing them to the teachers, perky smiles on both their faces. Ethan observed the students messing around with zero care of the consequences, chatter filling his ears from all around. Gnawing on his bottom lip, he kept his hands in his sweatshirt as a couple of girls looked at him, whispering to each other. He stopped biting, thoroughly making sure his teeth weren’t visible, silently wishing that his face could cave into itself and swallow him whole. Ethan fakes his nonchalant movements to scratch at his face, harshly picking at the skin, biting down hard on his tongue as he turned his head, hearing laughter engulf his surroundings. He shut his eyes tightly as he tried to calm his breathing, jumping when he felt a calloused hand wrap around his wrist, practically gluing itself to his body by how tight it held onto him. Ethan opened his eyes, staring down at his mother who subtly dug her nails into his skin, her dreadfully sweet smile shining up at him. Ethan’s breath got caught in his throat as he got roughly lead out the room, his heart stopping as the entire class yells out a goodbye, almost tripping over his feet.

“And here’s the video production room,” The lady spoke, her outstretched hand moving to hold open the door, her smile growing as the teacher got up from his desk. Ethan tried to stay as still as possible, his mom’s grip not loosening up, his heart beating faster as his body suddenly twitched. He closed his eyes as he felt his mom glare into the side of his head, her sharp nails breaking the skin, gritting his teeth from the immense pain. “Are you alright?”, Ethan opened his eyes as the lady looked dead into his, speaking softly. He vigorously nodded as his eyes shifted to his dad, his sickening sweet smile drawing nausea out of Ethan’s body. He turned his gaze back to the lady, giving her a extremely enthusiastic grin, giving his attention to the class.

“Here we film the news, short films, and commercials! Since he’s a sophomore he is able to join. Of course, anyone from any grade can join,” the teacher’s voice faded from Ethan’s ears as his eyes caught a couple; a couple who were editing their project on the computer. The girl’s head was on the guy’s shoulder as they both shared the same seat, her short hair falling delicately in her face as she whispered something into his ear. The boy giggled and turned his head to face her, pecking her nose lightly, lingering in front of her before rubbing their cheeks together, directing his attention back towards the computer as the girl blushed to herself. Ethan watched silently, barely noticing his mother’s grip leave. Barely. Immediately, he lifted his hand up to his face, frowning at the visibly bright red marks being extremely noticeable on his pale complexion, blocking them with his other hand. He looked back up, scanning the room for the couple once again, his heart fluttering when he caught eye contact with the girl. Her ethereal smile with her perfectly pink lips beamed at him, at him. She tapped her boyfriend’s shoulder, Ethan excitedly watching as he gazed over at him, his grin growing as he lifted up his hand to wave at Ethan. Gulping, Ethan raised his hand shyly, blushing as he saw them giggle to themselves. Desperately trying to soak up the boy’s features as he walked out the room with the group, he tried to remember his bright grin with beautifully soft and gentle eyes. He sighed to himself as he walked to the other classrooms, ignoring the strange looks his parents were giving him. As the tour ended, Ethan’s parents piled back into the car, Ethan slowly sitting down and buckling himself in. 

“Now off to the other school,” Ethan’s mom said, setting her purse in the backseat beside him.

“I quite like this school,” Ethan whispered, just loud enough for his parents to hear. He truly didn’t care about the education and the aesthetic of the school, he only wanted to stay so he had a chance at meeting the enchanting couple he saw that he still swore was part of his imagination. His dad turned his head sharply, a murderous look on his face as he stared into Ethan’s soul.

“Who said you could talk? We are going to check out this other school whether you want to or not!”, he yelled at Ethan, forcing him to be deathly quiet for the rest of the ride there and back home.

\-----

Ethan walked into his room, his mother following him inside to take his phone to go through it. Ethan bit down on his tongue as he watched his mother leave through the entry where he had his door missing, sitting down on his bed, a blank feeling engulfing his body. He slipped off his shoes, placing them neatly at the foot of his bed, slipping off the rest of his clothes. Walking his clothes to his dresser, he looked up at himself in the mirror, noticing some of his acne was bleeding. Nibbling on his bottom lip, he wiped it away with the back of his hand, suddenly remembering the nail marks on his wrist. Sighing, he opened his dresser to find some clean clothes to put on before he headed out to the bathroom, faintly remember to keep the door unlocked. He checked underneath the sink for hydrogen peroxide, quickly grabbing a clump of toilet paper to dab at his wound, gritting his teeth as it stung. He blinked at himself in the mirror, staring into his hazel eyes, noticing they were greener that morning. He glanced down at the marks, seeing bubbles popping over the blood, his emptiness growing. 

Slipping his way into bed, he traced his thoughts throughout the day, his mind stuck on the couple he saw. He gulped, thinking about how the girl’s sharp but gentle features complemented her boyfriend’s doe eyes and soft lips extremely well. Ethan immediately stopped breathing, the boy swarming his thoughts. He imagined himself being held delicately by the boy, his chapped lips running down his neck, making him shiver as his girlfriend kisses him softly. Ethan choked and sat up abruptly, breathing heavy as his eyes scanned around his room, wrapping his arms around his torso. He rapidly blinked, his mind spiraling down with disgusting thoughts of them together. He inhaled and exhaled quicker and quicker, tears welling up in his eyes as he thought about the boy. He felt like throwing up, his hands trembling as anxiety of being heard welled up inside him. He couldn’t understand why he would think of those things, why he would feel so blissful, so happy. He wasn’t gay, there was no possible way he was, but he felt so delighted to imagine being in the boy’s arms. Ethan felt gross, disgusting, like he was going to vomit right there in his bed. None of his ideas of that pretty boy were okay, nor was thinking that way about his girlfriend. 

A warm tear slid down Ethan’s cheek. One by one, more fell, his desire to be with both of them capturing his brain with viciously sweet thoughts. It was harder for Ethan to breath as he brought his sheet up to his chin, swallowing his breath as he heard footsteps. Before he could lie down and pretend to sleep, his mom rushed into his room, seeing him desperately wipe at his eyes. “Ethan, you haven’t finished your chores!”, She yelled at him, her expression sour as she held a towel around her neck. Ethan blinked away his tears as he immediately moved out of bed, not wanting to aggravate his mother even further. He knew she had seen him crying, but she cared more about him doing his chores and showing him that he was a slave to them while he lived underneath their roof. Ethan silently walked past her, feeling her anger seep off as he sped away. Ethan walked at the side of the steps out of habit, traveling downstairs to see which chore he didn’t do, counting all of them at the top of his head.

“I didn’t clean out the refrigerator,” Ethan said to himself, his voice quieter than a whisper. Going into the kitchen, he felt a presence behind him, causing him out of human instinct to look over. His heart quickened as he saw his mom standing there, eyeing him closely as Ethan grabbed the ketchup bottle and checked the date. She watched him for the five minutes it took to clean the fridge thoroughly, watching him as he climbed back up the stairs. Ethan could’ve sworn he was going to puke once he entered his room, feeling a small sense of safety, hurriedly walking to his bed. He silently tucked himself in bed, the thought of the boy and his girlfriend kissing him appearing once more in his head. Ethan sniffled, covering his face with his pillow, hopelessly hoping his mom didn’t tell his dad that he was crying.

Waking up in the morning was as unpleasant as Ethan thought it would be. The booming voice of his dad yelling awoke him, making him frantically kick off his covers, rushing to his dresser to get dressed. His eyes felt like they were glued shut, his mouth tasting grim, and his hands were twitching as he looked through clothes he’s worn for the past five years. He threw on a maroon shirt and his old denim jeans, taking an extra few seconds to look in the mirror to see if he was presentable. He frowned at his acne, hearing his dad yell again, angrier than before, causing Ethan to grab his shoes and backpack, sprinting down the stairs. He sped walked into the kitchen, counting everything in his backpack so he knew he was prepared. Once he reached the fridge, he felt a hard smack across his face, his body screaming at the pain. He froze, waiting to hear what his mother was going to say to him, but the words never left her mouth. Quickly he turned around and glanced in his parents’ direction, immediately avoiding their gaze as a pit formed in his stomach, his dad shoving him out the way of the fridge before he could grab something. Biting his tongue, Ethan sat down at the kitchen table and put on his shoes, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes. Standing up, he made his way out of the house without another word, not wanting to stay there for one more second. 

Ethan strolled to the bus stop, his breathing easing up as he leaned against a pole, surrounded by other students. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, frowning when realizing that he never asked for his phone back. Slumping his shoulders, he started to daydream about the couple once again of them holding his hand as he waited for the bus, him standing comfortably in between them. He smiled at himself before it turned into disgust; the frowned upon feeling he felt as he stood, thinking about a boy holding his hand. The bus rolled to a slow crawl, the swarm of students piling on alerting Ethan to move onto it, finding a seat all the way in the back, watching with a close eye on everyone. As he neared his new school, he thanked that his mom decided to pick the one with the couple, butterflies welling up in his stomach. Ethan tried to think more about the girl than the guy in attempts to make him feel less disgusting. He inhaled through his mouth, adjusting himself in his seat as he daydreamed about her kissing softly underneath his ear, holding his hand with her delicate ones. Ethan hugged his backpack to his chest, the feeling to cry as this person he’s never properly met makes his heart flutter with joy, something he rarely feels anymore. For the rest of the ride, Ethan thought of peaceful thoughts of her rosy lips curled in a gentle grin, her dark hair falling slightly over her mesmerizing eyes with pink dusted cheeks. Occasionally, the boy would appear and kiss Ethan’s forehead, his dull fingernails scratching at his scalp, he could almost feel it. Every time Ethan would notice he had entered his thoughts, he forcefully shoved him out, but it only lasted a few minutes. 

He almost missed his stop, panic filling his chest as he ran off the bus last, jogging in place to see where he had to go. Hearing a group of laughter, Ethan froze, shoving his hands in his pockets, facing towards the ground as he walked inside the school. Quickly finding the main office, he got his map, books, and schedule, rushing over to where he thought his first class was. He could not afford to be tardy, so when he realized he went the wrong way, he sped walked down the hall as the warning bell rang. Double checking his map and his schedule, he entered his chemistry room, nearly falling over when seeing the girl he’s been fantasizing about. He swallowed the bubble in his throat and kept his head down as he walked to the teacher. “Hi, I’m Ethan Nestor. I’m new here, where do i sit?”, The teacher smiled up at him from his seat, looking through the classroom then glancing down at his seating chart.

“You can sit next to…. Signe. Signe, raise your hand,” The teacher spoke aloud, patting Ethan’s elbow as he walked towards her. She was the girl he saw and has been hellbent about. His stomach twisting in a knot as Signe left her hand up, a softer smile than the one she gave him before adorning her light face. Ethan gulped, his hands shaking slightly as he sat down, taking out his textbooks. He felt her stare, but it didn’t feel dangerously venomous like he often felt; this one felt tender and curious, causing Ethan to turn his head to face her. She beamed at him, her perfectly pearly white teeth shining at him, making him feel slightly insecure about his own. He gave her a closed mouth smile, nodding his head a little. The rest of the class was spent with Ethan sneaking tiny glances towards her, catching her eyes every time, smiling. Signe was ethereal; her skin glowed in the early morning light that shown through the windows, her hair falling flawlessly as her nose scrunched up whenever she was confused. Ethan turned his head, watching as the teacher moved across the room, grinning at all his students as he wrote on the board. Ethan flipped through the pages of his textbook to see where the teacher assigned their classwork, feeling Signe looking over his shoulder. Her slender hand slipped from beside him, their arms brushing together as she flipped to the right page. Holding his breath, Ethan silently nodded gratefully. Ethan bit his lip and tapped his pencil against his desk, glancing at the clock to see when his class would be over, his heart beating faster.  
The sound of the bell ringing overwhelmed Ethan’s ears as he looked down at his book, quickly closing it as he packed his things. Standing up from his seat, he gasped as Signe stood behind him, her perky smile plastered on her face as she held her next class’s books. He attempted to smile back, tilting his head down as he walked out of his desk, hearing her voice break through his frantic thoughts. “I noticed you’re new. What’s your name?”, Ethan blinked at her, walking with her outside the classroom, a dopey smile smothering his confusion.

“I’m Ethan, yeah I’m Ethan,” Tripping over his words, Ethan tried to keep his composure, swallowing hard. Signe simply smiled, holding her bag closer to her as she shifted from one foot to the other, ruffling up her hair. Ethan watched her hands move gracefully, sucking in a breath as her eyes caught his again.  
“Do you want to sit with me at lunch? So you’re not so lonely,” Her accent stuck out a bit, Ethan noticed, which made his knees almost buckle. He didn’t notice any of it at first, but suddenly, it was so distinct that he was going to kick himself from not realizing earlier. Ethan glimpsed at Signe’s face, her gaze expectant and benevolent as she grinned with her ever so pink lips. Ethan tried not to stare at them as he answered.

“Yeah, that’d be lovely,” Ethan almost smacked himself for his choice of words, but Signe didn’t seem to mind. She merely smiled in her pure and calm way, walking straight forward to her next class, turning back to give Ethan an enthusiastic wave. Ethan grinned down at the ground, a small tint of red accompanying his pale cheeks, taking his map and schedule out of his pocket. Exhaling, he was extremely aware of his surroundings as he walked to his next classroom; how loud the chatter of students were with their noisy shoes as they stomped about, everyone’s fashionable and tight clothing that made him insecure about his plain one, the bubble popping of gum and locker slamming. He wondered how everyone handled these noises without going crazy, all of it giving him a headache. Ethan ran his hands through his hair, breathing through his nose, staring at the map as he walked, avoiding everyone in his path.

Lunch came around eventually, shocking Ethan by how quick it had come, flicking his eyes to the clock. Drumming on his legs as he walked to the cafeteria, Ethan tried to control his breathing, excitement bubbling up in his chest. He had met Signe and she was just as enchanting as she was in his daydreams. He never fully gave himself a chance to acknowledge how bizarre the situation was, how he had gotten so lucky. Smiling down at his shoes, he waiting in line for food, his hunger finally hitting him since the morning after smelling the air. Grabbing his food, he kindly thanked the lady, grateful for it because his parents usually hide food from him. Exiting the line, he glanced around, desperately trying to find Signe’s dark hair from the sea of people. Suddenly, a kind hand touched his shoulder, causing him to tilt his head to the side. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the boy beaming down at him, his gentle touch rubbing into his shoulder as his soft hair fell almost in front of his eyes. Ethan tried to stutter a hello but nothing left his mouth. Luckily, the boy understood and grabbed his hand to shake it. 

“I’m Sean, Signe’s boyfriend. You must be Ethan?”, Sean spoke, a slightly strong Irish accent shining through his words. A bright and comfortable aura surrounded him, causing Ethan to let his shoulders relax, his smile mirroring his pleasant feeling. Hesitantly, Ethan shifted his eyes away, scanning the cafeteria once again, barely noticing Sean walking in a certain direction. Rushing to catch up with him, Ethan insecurely walked with him, counting his steps in his head while matching it with his breath. Memory of Sean’s kind face flashed in Ethan’s mind, how caring and kind his expression was, the gentle rose on his cheeks as he smiled. Ethan grinned, thinking about how thick his eyebrows that almost throws off the soft look of his smile, immediately frowning when realizing he was thinking of him like that. He cleared his throat, a large lump stuck in it as he lifted his head, tears welling up in his eyes. Ethan tried to blink them away, causing one to fall, instantly wiping it with the back of his hand as he arrived at the lunch table. Signe turned her head, grabbing Sean’s hand, pulling him down so she could peck his cheek, smiling at his giggles. Ethan chuckled, giving her a smile wave, his stomach swirling with delight for seeing those two together. Signe patted the seat beside her, touching Ethan’s wrist lightly, guiding him over to sit down. Ethan bowed his head, placing his food on the table, settling in next to her, making sure to leave distance between them. Sean sat at the opposite side of them, shaking his leg as he opened his milk carton. “So, Ethan, we saw you when you were touring. Happy that you decided to pick this school ‘cause we were planning to befriend you the minute we saw you!”

Ethan choked on his tongue, flapping his mouth open a close, resisting the urge to break out in smiles. A sliver of a grin slipped onto his face as he let out an amused breath, flicking his eyes between the couple, letting his shoulder drop in comfort. “Really?”, Ethan said, feeling Signe softly squeeze his forearm, Sean’s foot rubbing against his calf in reassurance. He couldn’t control the giggle of happiness that left his mouth, soon hearing the couple’s laughter follow his, their eyes in awe watching him. “Well, I’ll happily be your friend!”, Ethan laughed as he spoke, a wide smile and a bubbly sweet feeling engulfing his entire body, causing him to feel warm everywhere.

“What school did you go to?”, Signe asked, ripping her sandwich in half to give to Sean, watching him take a large bite as he gives her his carrots. Ethan closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath as he noticed he was staring at Sean’s lips as he ate, opening them after a second. He threw on a smile, turning his face towards Signe, hyping himself up to speak.

“I was a sophomore at Green Ives. Have you heard of it? It’s not far from here….”, Ethan let his voice fade, the butterflies in his stomach flying up into his throat as he watched Signe tilt her head to think, sucking in her bottom lip. Ethan glanced over at Sean, his heart stopping when seeing his delicately blue eyes were already staring into his hazel ones, a kind look on his upturned cherry lips. Ethan shivered, putting his hands in his lap, gazing away from them with a blush creeping up his neck.

“I’ve drove past it before, probably quite a few times,” Sean said thoughtfully, a steady smile shining through Ethan’s peripheral vision. Ethan gulped, tilting his head back over, hesitantly grabbing a french fry. His stomach screamed for food, but Ethan chewed slow and properly, trying to calm down his heart when Sean reached over for one fry, ripping open one of his ketchup packets. Ethan thickly swallowed, his hands trembling as he placed his hand flat against the table, soaking up the coldness of it to ease his breathing.  
“You drive? What grade are you in?”, Ethan squeaked out, taking the carrot that Signe offered him with a timid smile. The loud crunch from the carrot startled him, his heart beating fast as he fell into a deep hole of admiration from Sean’s smooth voice.

“Yeah, got a piece of shit car but it gets me places. I’m a senior by the way. Getting up there in age, while Signe is a sophomore like you,” Sean stated, playfully rolling his eyes, a large grin on his face. Ethan made an “o” shape with his mouth, raising his eyebrows, glancing over at a smiling Signe. Sean laughed, lightly tapping Ethan’s foot with his, lifting up Ethan’s plate with his burger on it, bringing his attention back to him. “Now eat, we don’t have much time for lunch here. Don’t want you to starve on us,” Sean added, sticking his arms out for Ethan to take a bite. Grabbing the cheeseburger, Ethan blinked at it, his stomach feeling repulsed by the thought of eating anything. He raised his eyes to look at Sean, his encouraging eyes examining Ethan’s face. He felt pressured to eat, so he took a bite, his body immediately wanting to gag. Ethan forced himself to chew, closed his eyes,  
faintly hearing Signe speak to Sean.

“Oh wait, let us give you our number!”, Signe uttered, taking out a sheet of paper from her binder. Ethan almost spit out his burger, but visibly kept his composure. He kindly smiled at them, his excitement bubbling up in his chest, soon being crashed down as he remembered forgot his phone. He opened his mouth to speak but Signe had already written down both her and Sean’s number down, her hand extended to give him the paper. Ethan stared at the slightly crumpled paper, swallowing hard, his eyes burning as his nose feels like it’s being tickled. “What’s wrong?”

Ethan shook his head, forcing on a grin, his uneasy feeling rising as his thoughts raced. “I just don’t have my phone right now. But I’ll text you guys when I get it back, okay?”, Ethan’s softened, his eyebrows curving upwards as he looked at both of them. They simply nodded their head, watching Ethan stuff the piece of paper in his pocket as secure as he could. Ethan spent the rest of the lunch observing Sean and Signe speak with one another, their angelic smiles towards each other, love filled eyes and warm laugh. Ethan could have sworn they gave him the same when they turned to him, laughing at his jokes with such, what he assumes, affection. His heart felt full by the time the lunch bell rang, Ethan practically skipping to his next class as his worries drifted away with thoughts of them together piled in.

\-----

“Ethan! Hurry up!”, Signe yelled to him. Ethan stayed crouched on the floor, picking up two more dandelions before standing up, shielding them from the wind. Sean looked behind him, placing the basket on the ground, rolling his eyes in an affectionate manner. Signe ran back down the hill, reaching for Ethan’s hand, dragging him up as he whined. “Ethan, I swear to god,” she commented, over exaggerating her moment of her shaking her arms and head as they ran up, dirt and grass flying up from underneath their shoes. Ethan simply giggled, holding the flowers to his chest as his eyes looked squinty from how hard he was smiling. They continued walking until they found a flat spot to lay their blanket down, spreading it as far as they could to fit three people and their picnic basket. Ethan sat in front of Sean, causing him to playfully raise his eyebrow, closing his eyes when Ethan ran his hands through his hair. Ethan smiled, placing a yellow flower in it, sitting back on his feet as Sean blinked his eyes open. Signe’s clapping was faintly heard between the two boys’ laughter, Sean resting his hand on Ethan’s thigh as he screamed out in delight. Biting down hard on his lip, Ethan tried not to blush, his happiness through the roof until it suddenly crashed down as he realized what he was thinking. His laughter dialed down as he stared at Sean, his hair no longer in his neat quiff, the flower hanging on by a thread. The bright yellow contrasted with his pale skin, melting Ethan’s heart as he desperately wanted to grab his face and kiss him until his skin was rosy. Suddenly, Ethan was quiet, watching Signe kiss Sean’s cheek, her lips lingering as they turned into a smile. 

Ethan gulped, feeling sick to his stomach. He wanted that. He felt repulsed by his thoughts of wanting; he felt guilt choke him, stopping him from breathing completely, the lump in his throat suffocating him. Signe reached across his lap for the basket, her face relaxed and unknowing as Ethan’s heart sped up. Ethan glanced up at Sean, seeing him search inside the basket for strawberries, his back and stomach slightly being shown a bit as his shirt rode up. Shakily inhaling, Ethan looked down to see that Sean’s hand had stayed there, his body screaming sickening filth towards himself as he stared. He kept biting down on his lip until he tasted blood, waking him up from his pools of hatred. His finger wobbled as he creeped it towards Sean’s hand, lightly touching his soft skin, about to rest his own hand on top before Sean moved it away. Whispering a small apology, Sean offered Ethan a dazzling red strawberry, which he denied. He couldn’t eat a thing with the venomous swarmed his thoughts. Sean begged Ethan to take it, one already stuffed into his mouth, promising him that it was unbelievably juicy and delicious. Hesitantly, Ethan bit into the one he offered, forcing himself to smile as genuine looking as possible. Silently he ate, bottling his words and feelings up, placing them on a high shelf. 

Throughout the picnic, Ethan didn’t let out a single peep; he simply nodded and gasped when needed, his heart too heavy from his realization that he is in love with both of them and that he is, in fact, queer. He couldn’t believe it, so much that it scared off his voice, his appetite, and his way of thinking. He desperately wanted to assume everyone thought of their friends like this; the desire to hold them as they fall asleep, kiss them good morning, and just be in their presence and warmth all day. But he knew it wasn’t normal in the slightest, which made his whole body feel like it was caving in on itself. He felt nauseous as he tried to blink away tears, mentally hearing his parents call him foul names. Ethan stopped dead in his tracks, his whole body going cold as he freezes. “Ethan are you alright? Your whole body went pale-”, Signe started before being cut off.  
“I didn’t tell my parents that I’d be with you guys after school,” Ethan’s voice was laced with fear, his lip trembling as his whole body visibly shook. Sean placed his hand on Ethan’s knee, trying to calm him down but evidently increasing his nerves as his heart sped up. Signe and Sean shared a worried look as Ethan coughed up a dry sob, no tears falling out of his eyes.

“Can’t you just, text them?”, Signe reasoned, her eyes hopefully as she looked up at him. Her kindness made Ethan feel light and warm, a single tear gliding down his cheek. He shook his head yes, wiping his face with both his hands, pretending like texting them would calm him down. Reaching for his phone, he messaged his mom that he was out with friends, knowing exactly how angry she will get when she reads it. He looks up towards the sky and prays to whatever god there is that she’s in the best mood she’s been in for decades. Taking in a trembling breath, he shut his eyes, letting the tears fall before opening his eyes. He stared with blank eyes but a twisting smile at Sean and Signe’s worried faces.

“I should be fine, I’m just a big baby for rules,” Ethan lied through his teeth, fear building up in his body, “I’ll be fine.” Balling up her sleeve, Signe wiped away his tears, a small grin on her face. Ethan attempted to smile back, leaning into her touch, savoring the wonderful feeling he got from being near her. Sean patted his leg before rubbing it, sorrowful blue eyes gazing at him as Ethan almost cried from their touch. He almost let out a sob from how good he felt, but was able to hold it in, instead his reddening cheeks raising as he gave them an honest smile. “I love you two,” Ethan unconsciously mumbled, feeling Signe and Sean freeze in their tracks. Ethan tensed up, shifted his gaze to his lap, biting down on his tongue, hard. He felt his chest tighten, it feeling extremely heavy like someone was sitting on it. Ethan attempted to breathe, but his body refused to move. He sensed Sean and Signe look at each other, causing him to close his eyes tightly, bracing for whatever they throw at him.

“Ethan,” Sean started, causing Ethan’s heart to jump out of his chest. He gulped, waiting for his next words, his breathing becoming shallow. “We love you, too, but in a friend way. Only in a friend way,” Sean said steadily, leaning his head down to try and catch Ethan’s eyes. A cold wave washed over Ethan’s body, instantly turning hot as tears welled up in his eyes, his nose getting stuffy. Quietly, he nodded, a bubble forming in his throat, quickly becoming light headed. Grabbing his things, he swallowed thickly, standing up on two shaky legs. Without a word, Ethan walked back down in silence, the sunshine feeling disgusting on his body as the flowers tried to smile at him. As tears started to rapidly fall down, Ethan grabbed at his stomach, letting out a heave. He lowered his eyes, sniffling as a sob raked through his body. His lips quivering as a cough left him mouth, he stumbled down the sidewalk, travelling to the bus stop.Sean and Signe watched him walk away, hesitating on going after him, before deciding to stay put and give him space.  
The bus ride home was filled with a million thoughts of the heartbreak and dread, suffocating Ethan’s brain. Ethan sat all the way in the back, noiselessly crying, the occasional squeak leaving his mouth. He felt betrayed. The months of falling hopelessly in love with two people who never truly loved him like he did. They would never love him like he did. More tears fell down, his body gasping for air as he looked out the window. As the bus stopped at the place near his house, he regretfully stepped off, contemplating running away with nothing but seventeen dollars and the clothes off his back. Before he could step onto the driveway, his front door opened, his mother and father waiting at the door for him. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he prepared himself for the hell that would come his way. Reaching the doorway, he felt himself be harshly dragged inside, the door slamming behind him. Before he could fully process what was happening, a hard slap hit him across the face, leaving his face stinging.

“What did I tell you about hanging out with friends?!”, His mother screamed, her eyes vicious as her eyebrows pointed downwards. Suddenly, his dad grabbed him by the neck, bringing him closer to him, squeezing his neck. Ethan resisted the urge to push him off, knowing well he’d anger him even more.

“Are you fucking crying already? I’ll give you something to cry about,” His father spat in his face, pushing him down to the ground, his mother watching with dangerous eyes. Ethan gasped for air, rubbing at his neck, his other hand covering his head just in case he gets a blow. His father lifted his off the floor, shaking him roughly. “You’re going to cry like a bitch, unlike a man, huh?”, His father screamed in his face, getting angrier as more tears fell down Ethan’s face, choking out a sob. Ethan silently wished he’d be beaten to a point of no return, never to wake up to his despicable life. Eventually he stopped crying somewhere in between the distasteful words and hits, his mind drifting off to a different place as he disappeared from reality. He no longer heard or felt his parents; all he felt was peace and muffled noises. 

Ethan woke up in the hallway, his parents screaming at him to get to school, his mind slightly behind his body. Struggling to get up, Ethan stood with wobbly knees, holding onto the wall for support. “Ethan, now!”, his mother screamed at him as he trudged up the stairs. He ignored her, grabbing a sweatshirt, turning around to his mother grabbing his wrist and slapping him, painfully dragging him downstairs. “When I tell you now, I mean now,” She scolded him. Ethan tried to stop himself from rolling his eyes, still out of sorts as he stumbled over his feet. Being dragged towards the front door, Ethan grabbed at his backpack, thanking himself that he didn’t waste all his money. He got shoved out the door, his eyes burning from tiredness, tears welling up in his eyes from lack of sleep. He wasn’t sure if he had anything in him to cry over Sean and Signe once more. Sighing, he ran to the bus stop, his body screaming in pain as he took each step. The only lucky thing he had was that he caught his bus on time and got a seat by himself, giving him time to cover his face with his hoodie. Ethan closed his eyes, slowly moving his body around and stretching it to see where his pain was, a nauseating feeling growing in his stomach as he tried to swallow. He rubbed at his neck, reaching for his phone to check the camera, sighing when seeing large purple bruises. He tilted the camera to see his face, seeing his acne bleeding and his cheeks bruised, finally realizing the large headache he had. Gulping down saliva, Ethan mindlessly checked to see if Sean or Signe had texted him; they hadn’t. Ethan groaned, his heart beating slow and steady as he rode to school.

He got to chemistry class before Signe, giving him time to prepare what he wanted to say to her. Unfortunately, by the time she arrived in the class, Ethan already had his head resting on his cold desk, trying to ease his headache as well as calm him down. No matter how many times the teacher told him to lift his head up or go to the principal, Ethan didn’t budge, his stomach turning every time he thought of it. Ultimately, class ended. Immediately, Ethan rushed out the room, not stopping when the teacher called his name. He had used this pattern in all his classes until lunch came rolling around, his body physically ill from all his anxiety and pain. He sat at his usual seat without grabbing food, covering his entire face with his hood, patiently waiting for the lunch break to be over. Uncertain on what to do, Sean and Signe stood behind him with their lunch trays. “Ethan-”, Sean spoke, being cut off when the man in question turned around, taking off his hood. At that second, the couple gasped, worry and regret filling their hearts. Ethan felt revolted by the sound of Sean’s voice, his entire chest hurting from it all. He made his eyes blank as Signe stayed quiet, slowly reaching her hand out for him. 

“Ethan, we know you’re upset, but we truly meant no harm,” Signe whispered, her words stinging into Ethan’s skin, the word making his gag. He couldn’t stand seeing their faces anymore. The people that truly made him happy, made him feel loved, didn’t reciprocate the feeling in the slightest. Scrunching up his eyebrows, he grabbed his bag, pushing his way through him, shamelessly walking with way through the crowd. Walking outside the campus, he climbed his way up the smallest building, leaving his stuff on the ground. Gradually, he climbed to the biggest building, faintly hearing people yell towards him. Faintly. He stood at the edge of the flat roof, deeply inhaling the cool air as it whipped past him, blowing his hair everywhere. Slowly, Ethan outstretched his arms, letting the wispy wind shake his clothes all about. Finally, he was able to properly breathe, the crisp air funneling into his lungs smoothly. Ethan was at peace as he teetered forwards and backwards, getting closer to the edge. The wind got louder and louder, the sinking feeling growing in this pit of his stomach as he felt, after a long time, free at last.


End file.
